Much time has passed

Much time has passed since my last post, and about the only thing that has changed was that I withdrew from the fall semester classes, and I have moved out of my previous residence, and moved in with my former girlfriend , who became my girlfriend, who became my mate, it is so nice to be loved, and it is is nice to love, I have rekindled my love of piano, I am getting closer to my daughter, sure I have my ups and downs, but I don't think it's anything I can't handle. Overall I must say that I am modestly happy.

Another Semester

There is a new semester that starts on the 23rd and I barely finished the summer semester, but I did get two A's, and that was a result of willingness turned to action. Of course recognizing that all good things come from God is just as important to acknowledge. I had a good summer overall. Getting to see my daughter over the summer was priceless. I love her so much. She is begining 1st grade and I continue in my freshman year in college. I have a transfer degree plan in place, from San Antonio College to Texas State, and graduation is in 2014 or 2015 Bachelor of Fine Arts here I come! On a different note; I wish to add that I am at peace with myself because of some personal decisions that I have made today. The guilt made me physically ill, but now I am better.

Thievery

Getting something stolen from you really sucks. Plain and simple. I admit I have stolen. I am no pristine angel. It makes me want to return the favor to who I think it is. When you live with roommates, I guess you take that risk. This reminds me to thank God for what I do have...here on earth. But also for what I have that no one can take away from me. My salvation. Lord help me not to be hateful, help me not to seek revenge, but to seek to live in peace with those I live with.

Father's Day

Yesterday, for the first time my daughter called me on the phone and wished me a Happy Father's day. She is 6 years old. Which is why it meant so much to me. And then she called me two more times to tell me again! It just really made my day. Now I can start today with a sense of pride because although what has transpired since her birth, I can look back and know that what she did is something money can't buy. The love of a child.

My Music Career

So, here I am sitting in my favorite Starbucks and contemplating on the future of my musical career. I have listened to my demo which is saved on my computer about 5 times now? I have listened to the original by the artists and have been critiqueing myself for the past hour. There was a former co-worker of my mom whose husband has a makeshift studio in a room in his house. Very slick setup. I recorded a couple of demos there, and since then my mom and this former coworker of hers don't talk as often, and I am thinking "there goes my opportunity to have the benefit of recording with someone who doesn't mind letting me use his studio for free!" Studio's cost so much to use, but I told myself I will pursue this because I am confident that this is what is going to make me happy- entertaining others.

A suprise

Today I got a message from my facebook friend and former choir director, who inquired about my schedule, and told me that I was needed in choir. I had kind of drifted away conveiniently. God has a funny way of working because I was just feeling the urge to start to go to church again. So, it was nice to be remembered. Since I am now out for summer, at least the first half before my Summer Flex II begins, there would be no further excuses to miss choir practice and services on Sunday. But I cannot go to church tomorrow because I will be seeing my little girl again, but I make a commitment to myself to go to choir practice on wednesday night. I kind of put everything on hold when she comes around because I don't get to see her much.

Today I decided to forego my Starbucks coffee ritual and head to the public pool, or what I thought was a public pool. It may have been, but alas, it was closed maybe for some reason or another. This one was in walking distance. So, I ended up walking around a very big block in my neighborhood for nothing. Okay, maybe not for nothing because some excercise is better than none at all right? I decided rather to wash my clothes and tidy up my room a bit. I also put a nice diet pepsi in the freezer that should be quite cold by now. Well that's about all for now...

One Morning in Starbucks on San Pedro

It's officially here ladies and gentleman. Summer in San Antonio, Texas hot and humid 79 degrees in the morning with the humidity to go with it. One has to take refuge in whatever air conditioned haven they can find. Boy, am I getting a great tan! Anyway... I am in a local Starbucks and sippin on some hot coffee. Sounds like a contradiction in terms huh? I get melancholy when I sit in a place like this. I think of my baby whom I don't get to see all that often. I will see her this sunday which is driving me crazy with excitement. Her mom is going to give me a little keyboard and guitar so that I can teach my little one how to play. I play both the piano and guitar. I play piano better though. Right now, I have very little influence on my little one's life as I don't see her much. I could have perhaps changed that, but I ultimately chose the path I am on that led me to this juncture. What matters is the here and now. She loves me. What more should I want? Anyway, those are my feelings. I just wanted the reader to know.

I am listening to Dashboard Confessional, and man this stuff is great! It all basically acoustic ballads. I downloaded a bunch a songs on LimeWire. I just love that file sharing site. I am able to get music for pretty much every mood I am experiencing. I recommend listening to a song or two while you read this, and you will feel my mood.

If I was able to write this much in English class, I would have gotton an A! But I had to settle for a C, and I barely got that. I will be taking English Comp I this fall semester God willing, and I have to admit I am scared out of my wits. What does that 12 step program say? One day at a time? Boy, I ask myself a lot of questions don't I? I will try to stop, it is probably driving you crazy.

I just ran out of coffee, the line finally fizzled out and I asked the barista to fill me up and he told me that he was in the middle of brewing fresh coffee, and I thought oh great, and then he told me he would top off my carafe for free, and wow, that made my day. How often do you get free cups of coffee at Starbucks? Have I bored you enough? Well, I think I have, so I will let you off the hook for now. :)

I ate a cheeseburger at 3 this afternoon, and even now it is still kicking my butt 10oz three cheese cheeseburger. That was too much cheese my friend! I couldn't even finish the burger. I know better next time!

Sleep Medication

I have been suffering from what I can only describe as some kind of insomnia, and it has crippled my mind. I have been unable to get a decent nights sleep in months. I told my doctor I would go insane if I could not get some prescription strength sleep aid as OTC was also clearly not working. And by george he listened! I will be able to finally sleep like normal people do! :) So, with that being said, I think I will go to bed now... (yawn)

My Birthday

Today is my birthday, and I woke up to my little sister wishing me happy birthday. My daughter had told me that she made me a birthday card. My mother took me out to breakfast, and got me my favorite starbucks mug. I am receiving birthday wishes from my friends and family on facebook. I thanked God for another year of life, and the opportunity to make a difference. So, thanks God for letting me live on your earth another year, and I hope many more to make a difference in your world!

Insomnia 2

I went to bed at 9p, and here I am awake again. I am trying to get into a normal sleep cycle like most people. But alas, I am different. I still got to start my day at 6a because I have resolved to start my day at the same time in hopes that this sleep habit will stick. I guess I will start off with something that has perhaps been keeping me awake.

There has been an obligation that I have been putting off and procrastinating on. So, while I was trying to sleep, I was reasoning with myself how would solve this problem. I know the obligation won't go away so it looks as if though I will have to deal with it. Oh boy, I think I am getting tired now. I will see if I can sleep this time. Wish me luck!

Dreams

Today, I thought I would just sleep in. As a result I had some pretty interesting dreams. Last night I saw my grandmother who has been passed away for 12 years. She was at a distance and smiling at me and not saying a word. Even during my dream I was afraid. But even after I woke up I was afraid. I know that I shouldn't. My grandmother loved me, and I her.

My other dream, as I remember was me lying on my stomach doing something. I was next to a sliding door to a patio. A storm was brewing, I heard something get sucked out the door. I felt my foot get pulled out as well. Then my body started moving. I was able to close the door so that I could not be sucked out the door. I remember it was a struggle to keep it closed, and I could not lock it. I remember thinking that the storm, possibly a tornado would implode the glass. Luckily it didn't. Then, when the storm subsided, I opened the sliding glass door, and saw a very low flying commercial aircraft in landing mode, which was weird. I remember very little after that. I won't bore you any longer. :)

The Need For Revenge

Was I a little too harsh with the title? I hope not. But I came across a verse in the Bible that reads "Be not deceived, God is not mocked. Whatsoever a man soeth, that shall he also reap" in other words. Your deeds, good or bad will be repaid in kind. God knows that I have been paid back many a time for my misdeeds. Whatever people I have wronged may not have seen me get paid back for my misdeeds, but I can assure the reader that I did. There was a time when I thought nothing could bring me down from my so-called mountain. I had a house, three cars, not new, but I could drive any one I wanted to on any given day. I had a wife, a dog, and a baby girl, newborn, and all but one were completely taken away from me. God had humbled me tenfold. God took my pride, and showed me humility. Now I have to earn back everything that I lost. The things I took for granted, are very dear to me now. I have a new outlook on life. The one thing that really hasn't changed since then is my daughter's love for me. It keeps me going. It keeps me striving to be the best that I can be. I have been out of school for 17 years, and I got 6 hours of developmental courses under my belt, and one sophmore psychology class out of the way. That is indeed a personal best for me. The best is yet to come! I titled this blog the way I did because at the time I wanted seek revenge on my exwife for the wrong she did to me, but as I write this I look at myself and wonder if I am the one that needs changing. I was told many a time that I cannot change people, nor can I change my environment. I can only change myself. How true! Well, anyways, these are my feelings at the moment, I thought I would jot them down. Thanks for reading!

Insomnia and other thoughts

So, here I am, up late at night when I should be sleeping. I have to be somewhere early in the morning. I know I am going to regret it when I have to leave here at 700a. So I decided to blog a little. Usually I watch Forensic Files on TruTV, until I fall asleep. I would like to take a sleep aid, but I am afraid it will overstay its welcome, and keep me tired when I am supposed to be awake. I have this weird feeling that keeps me awake until my body is so tired that I just have to fall asleep. I wish it wasn't like this. When I was a kid my bedtime was 830p, and I seemed to have no problem falling asleep then. When I was in the Army, I had no choice! lol But now that I have free reign over my sleeping habits, everything has gone haywire. I just got finished with my Spring semester in college, and passed one class and failed the other. I suspect I have the adult form of ADHD. I heard it is unwise for one to self diagnose themselves, so I will talk to my doctor about this possible issue. If that is the case, how am I going to tell him that I have problems sleeping, and expect to get an amphetamine type medication for ADHD? Something has got to give. Please don't let it be my sanity! Maybe I need to have a little more faith in God. I have many weaknesses. I am comforted, however, by scripture that declares in our weakness, he is strong.
Today, my little one told me, "Daddy, I love you forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever.!" To her, I am the most important and loved daddy in the whole world. I certainly don't want to let her down. It's just so difficult sometimes to live up to what I think her daddy should be. (in my mind) But it is comforting to know that she is probably simply happy with me being just me. And I love her forever and ever. She has my love till the day I die, and even after that. She is growing up so fast. Before I know it, i'll be walking her down the aisle, giving her butterfly kisses. It is so nice to love and be loved.

A Culinary Low

Today I am making hamburger helper, when I usually go to allrecipe's.com, and whip up something extravagent. Today I just didn't have it in me. Maybe next time huh? My roommates are used to nothing less than culinary genius! I make a mean shrimp fettucine. I will keep you posted K? :)

Are people ever really real?

Maybe it's just me, and I know that I am not the perfect human being. Life, in the words of Shakespeare is simply this: "All the world is a stage, and the people, mearly players" Some are better players than others. My ex-wife is certainly one of them. Granted I myself have betrayed people who, in the past have entrusted me with secrets, and maybe I am getting payback for the wrong I have done in my life. I will be the first to admit that my close friends have indeed matured much more than myself. I am "the black sheep" of the family, at least I think so! But I think I am getting it together one day at a time. I guess I am just being pessimistic about the whole thing about is there really a soulmate for everyone out there. Now I know what it feels like to be violated on an emotional level, and it is devastating.


I will only say this once, so the reader can understand my situation, and I will not dwell on it any further beyond this. I just hope that the reader can understand my perspective of things. I was married, and my marriage wasn't the best, but I thought everything wasn't anything we couldn't handle. Before that, however, I thought we had a good thing going. I thought real love existed between us. A child was born to me, and I wasn't married at that time, but I knew that the right thing to do would be to take responsibility for my child, and because I had a stable job with excellent insurance, I married my love. My new wife and my child were immediately covered. My new wife had the best prenatal care, a private hospital bed, and the best postnatal care. The happiest day of my life was when I held my baby in my arms for the first time. God's creation so perfect. That's how I would have liked it to continue... She was apparently unhappy with the quality of our intimate time together. It was only until after 3 years had passed that it had been suggested that baby may not be biologically mine. I feined off any opposition to the fact that my little one truly in fact belonged to me (in my mind). When the man who had administered the test, he came in and sat down. And then there it was in plain cold black ink, 0% probability that my little one belonged to me. To say I was floored was an extreme understatement. I cried, and cried, and cried. My mom and my stepdad were also there crying with me. Maybe some other people in my situation would have been very happy to say the least, but not me. It was no secret that my ex was trying to get a lot of child support money from me. This was my way out right? I had two chances to get out of paying child support, and I thought how my life could be irrevocably different. All I would have to do is walk away from my little one, and she would forget about me. When I first got the DNA test results, under Texas law I had one month to act before the three year statute of limitations expired. I didn't act. The second chance to back out was when my ex and her new husband offered to adopt, but in exchange for my consent I would have to abandon any further contact with my little girl...forever. As a student, I live on a fixed income so this option would mean that I would never have to pay child support again. I advised my ex that my personal convictions would not allow me to follow through on this action. I also thought it would break my little girl's heart. Enough damage had been done. No need to add salt to an open wound. I have lost many things, I would NOT lose my girl. So with that being said, I was told to speak my peace once, and then stop talking about what my ex has done to me, and just be a dad to my girl. The only way she would find out the truth would be if her mom told her, (and I doubt she would) or if my little girl needed a blood transfusion, and her mom would be unable to donate blood. Paying the money is going to be very difficult. I chose to take the road less traveled, but I am going to college to be able to get that dream job, and to comfortably support my girl. Right now it is hard, but in the end...in the end, it will pay off. I want to earn my little girls' admiration, and I feel this is the best way to do it. I want to find love again, but my personal experience causes me to cast doubt as to whether or not that can happen. I guess all of us in life put up a facade, but it takes two to fix a problem in a relationship, and in my case it didn't happen. Right now, I have all I need on this earth. The love of my family, and most important...my little girl.

Killing Time

So, here I am at my favorite Starbucks trying to kill time and doing a good job of it. I am really enjoying this special they have going on with these half price Frappaccinos for a limited time. Then they think that once they have you hooked, they can get away with charging you full price. Well, in my case, they are probably right! I've been doing Starbucks since at least 1998, and there are no signs that I will be quitting them anytime soon.

Initial Post

This is my inaugural post, but I hope this is one of many posts that you, the reader can enjoy and gain some insight into how I think, and bear witness to the intimate details of what I would also like to call a journal of some sorts. -Enjoy! -R.